Despite everything...

life is beautiful.

It's hard to really believe that when I try to study for syntax (the bane of my existence) and read/answer questions for kinship (the 2nd bane of my existence) and figure out the phonemes for Khmer (sort of fun, but frustrating at the same time).

It's hard to keep that in mind when I cry because everything in life sucks and because there's so much to do and so little time. And at night I think about my grandma and everything just feels so empty inside me.

I don't know why I just get so angry with life sometimes. I just want to say "Fuck you" to everyone even though no one has done anything to me and I don't even cuss. Oh yeah, "Fuck you, Buffy the Vampire Slayer." My syntax professor loves that show and uses the characters and stuff from the show in her example sentences and in sentences on our homework; homework which takes like 15-20 hours to do and I end up thinking about sentences like "Spike staked the vampire in the hand with the toothpick" or "It seems that Buffy departed yesterday from Sunnydale" for hours and I wake up in the morning and it's the first thing that comes to mind and I try to solve the problem while I'm still lying in bed. So "Fuck you, Buffy. I never liked the show and this gives me another reason to not like it. I know it's illogical and unreasonable, but tough luck. I don't like you, regardless."

I really want this semester to be over.

Despite everything, is life still beautiful? Maybe.

normal stuff

I matched today, unbeknownest to me. It was an unusually warm day, 80 degrees so I decided to wear a skirt. It's an O'neil skirt that's made out of polyester. And I wore this white shirt sleeveless shirt... without really thinking and then I realized later that it was also an O'neil shirt. The O'neil shirt was a gift from a friend awhile ago and the skirt... I think I bought for $5 at this store in Burbank. It's a store where they sell clothes that were bought by TV shows and movies. They may or may not have been worn, but when they don't need the clothes anymore, the give them to this store and this store sells them for pretty cheap... even if it was never worn.

In other news, my left foot still hurts from running a week ago. It only hurts when I walk and step down on it... and it's like the left side of my left foot too. I bought new running shoes because I think the shoes I wore before weren't for running. I still ran a little today, only a mile and a half because of my foot and because it was unbearably hot and I forgot my water bottle. :( Not that I don't like the water from the water fountain or anything.

I have like a bandage on my left leg from cutting myself while shaving. I don't know how that happened. I mean, I felt some pain, but I didn't see blood... but then again, I was in the shower. The blood probably washed away. I finally saw it after I got dressed and saw a tiny spot of blood. And when I say tiny, it was like the head of a pin.

I'm looking at my legs right now. Dude, remember that time I biked for like 10 miles when I went to Santa Barbara in July and I fell and my right knee just would not stop bleeding? Some of you may have remembered me walking around with a giant bandage on my knee. It was really painful and I was scared that it got infected or something because it seemed like it stayed moist for the longest time. I rarely ever bleed so I didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Like, isn't it supposed to start to dry? I bought one of those ointment thingies... I forgot what they were called... but it's like Neosporin, but cheaper. ANYWAY, my point is: The scar is starting to heal and fade away. But when will it ever go away completely? It's like an eyesore for me and making me sad. :( It was the first time riding a bike in like.... 7 years or something and I've never ridden a bike like on a busy street or anything, or next to a car going faster than 20 miles per hour. I wasn't too tired and I wasn't even sore after either (except for the part where I had to sit on the bike)... I think being on that cycling machine going 3.5 miles a day, 3 times a week at the gym probably helped. So for those who were uberly grossed out by my knee, I present it to you again.

I was going to take a pic of my knee now, but I thought, that'd be weird. Trust me, it's just a small scar... that will eventually go away, I hope.

So I'm on this WASC subcommittee for school. YAY? I'm not sure if I like it or not. They needed students and unbeknownst to me, I got signed up. (okay, a lot of things happened without me knowing about it) I think WASC is coming to accredite our school sometime in the next three years and it's our job to present them some report of what we want to investigate/improve before they come. I remember when they came to my high school when I was a senior. I was thinking earlier... their jobs must suck... having to visit schools and see people kiss up to them and read their B.S. about how their school is improving and blah blah blah. Okay, I should stop being cynical.

If anyone wants to buy me a present... a simple gift can be a bottle or can of something like this:
They are so gosh darn cute! Including those 8 ounce water bottles too! Plus travel size stuff (which one friend bought for me before I left for China, thanks Leesa).

外婆，

你好不好? 我很想念你。有 時候我要問你，“你什麽時候回來？” 因爲我忘記。我不要記得，不要知道你不能回來。你去世的時候，我死心。我的世界上荒涼。不過，我應該明白，人人出生的時候，每個人有命運。那個命運是，有 一天，我們到都回去世。我們該 對別人好，為別人好，幫助鄰据，做個慷慨的人，捐款。 我希望你現在沒有痛，沒有辛苦，沒有難過。我想要你開心，高興，和平安。我永遠得愛你。

珍珠

如果我有個男朋友，我想要他唱這些首歌。 　

我喜歡繁體字，所以我沒有用很多簡體字。
我喜欢繁体字，所以我没有用很多简体字。

“你問我愛你有多深，我愛你有幾分。　
我的情也真，我的愛也真,
月亮代表我的心。”　

“忘了有多久 再沒聽到你 對我說你最愛的故事
我想了很久 我開始慌了 是不是我又做錯了甚麼

你哭著對我說 童話裡都是騙人的 我不可能是你的王子
也許你不會懂 從你說愛我以後 我的天空星星都亮了

我願變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手 變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局

我要變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手 變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局

我會變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手 變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局 一起寫我們的結局”


我很想念中国和北京。
我很想念我的北京家庭。
我很想念我的外婆。

Lou Gehrig

You know what I think about when I'm down，when I'm sad, and when I feel like there's nothing else to look forward to? You know what I think about when I'm in the "depths of despair" (Thanks Anne of Green Gables)?

When I was in high school and I felt like there was no place I could go, no one I could turn to, my only friend was my television. He was the only one who understood and the only one who waited for me when I returned from school. And through him, I met my closest friends at the time, the LA Lakers, the LA Clippers, the LA Dodgers, and the Anaheim (this was years and years ago) Angels. I witnessed all the sport cliches, idioms, and metaphors there ever was. From taking it one game at a time (or one day at a time) to knowing that it's not over until it's over. I've seen athlete's overcome obstacles and win in huge upsets. Even if the the cards were stacked against them, they still persevered. Even if it seemed like the only place they could go was down, they sometimes defied all odds and came back to win. I've celebrated at their victories and cried at their agonizing defeats.

So in times of need, I think about my old friends. Since I have no time to watch games (which is a shame) because I have stupid classes in college, I cannot visit them as much as I used to. However, whenever I need inspiration or motivation or determination, I turn to Lou Gehrig. I look at his life, his career, and his most famous speech. Here's a guy who found out that he had a fatal disease and realized that he could no longer do what he loved to do most, but he didn't let it get him down.

"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

"Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I’m lucky.

"When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift - that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies - that’s something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter - that’s something. When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body - it’s a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed - that’s the finest I know.

So I close in saying that I may have had a tough break, but I have an awful lot to live for."

Dylan Thomas

So I'm reminded of that poem by Dylan Thomas for some reason... high school English comes back to haunt me sometimes...

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

How I feel sometimes

There is an emptiness in my heart, a hole that can never be filled again, a broken heart that can never mend.
If time heals all wounds, I'm sure it will be a million millennia before mine will recover.

Who the hell is Death and how does he sleep at night?

Does Death go stalking in the night?
Preying on victims who peacefully sleep
Or is he an angel who gently saves them
from a wretched life and puts them at ease?

I hope it's the latter.

Instead of wanting his repentance,
I should search my heart for acceptance
even if the ones he sentences with his touch
are the ones I love so very much.

Some days I laugh, some days I weep.
Some nights I toss and turn in my sleep.
Sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry.
"Even the most glorious flower must die."

Some days I forget, those days are bliss
Some days I remember, something's amiss
I wish someone could tell me the reason why
even the most glorious flower must die

Why must something so special leave this earth?
Why must you fool us with her presence from birth?
Searching for answers in the starry night sky.
"Even the most glorious flower must die."

Clouds fill the air, it starts to rain.
No more suffering, no more pain.
Waiting patiently for some sort of reply.
"Even the most glorious flower must die."

The flower bows her head as she begins to wilt,
No more regrets, no more guilt,
As she rests her head, she seems to imply,
Even the most glorious flower must die.

My grandmother
Guiding me with her helping hand
My grandmother
Is loved by us like no other
Always the one to understand
There's nothing she couldn't withstand
My grandmother

Where is my grandma? For she is not here.
I cannot find my grandmother anywhere.
Where is the noble woman with white and gray hair?
I long for her presence and love to be near.

Some say that she is gone; she passed to the other side.
Her dear old soul is no longer alive.
After a long hard battle, her fate was revealed.
Her heart stopped beating, and her life was sealed.

Although her spirit has passed, her memory remains.
She lives inside my heart, her blood flows through my veins.
Time is irrevocable, life on earth fleeting.
But with her in my heart, my heart will keep on beating.

Dearest 外婆,

I regret that I was not there by your side in your last hours. A part of me wanted to have known because I would have dropped everything and driven to the hospital had I been told that your kidneys had failed and that they ceased giving you any medication. I feel so awful that I wasn’t one of the grandchildren there in your final hours.

I’m also so sorry that I did not visit you as often while you were in the hospital after I came back from China. You’ve been in and out of hospitals so many times and I just took it for granted because I, and so many others, believed that you would recover and go back home again.

It hurts so much to know that you’re not here anymore. I still forget that you’re gone when I think about the next time I’ll see you or when I think about the future. I’ve always, and still do, imagined you coming to my graduation; I even planned on requesting special seating for you because you have trouble walking. But I guess the point is irrelevant now.

Through the years, I never really took notice to how old and frail you had become. Maybe it was because you were so close to us and I saw you constantly. The changes were slow, but before long I stopped and took notice: your hair had turned gray; your vision was now blurred; your legs had become weak; your voice had grown faint.

Some people are not fortunate enough to have lived near their grandparents and I do not take that for granted. You help raise me before I started kindergarten. You bought me ice cream and didn’t even get angry when we got locked outside of your house. You nursed my wounds when I accidentally used grandpa’s (外公’s) razor. You cared about my feelings and always knew how I felt.

As I grew older, we grew apart a little. You lived closer to my other younger cousins and had to dedicate your time to raising them. I understand that and I became occupied with school. I was told that you felt bad that you don’t give me as much money as my other cousins or that you felt that you seemed to have neglected me in some way. Material things don’t matter to me and I hope you think that I would judge you by how much money you gave me. Susan once told me that you were sad one time because you didn’t get a chance to hug me before I left for school and I’m so sorry. And I know that you loved me a lot, especially because you always looked forward to my visits and even asked 姨 once to pick me up earlier because you missed me so much. And now, I miss you so much.

I know that you have gone through so much. You raised 7 children. You struggled to survive under a failing communistic country while losing 2 children. You had to bury one and always wonder what happened to the other one. You brought your family to a new country and made the best of it all. I am grateful for all that you have done; not just for me, but for our entire family.

I am so glad to have you as a grandmother because you were always kind, sweet, and gentle compared to other grandmothers in the world. You never put anyone down, kept things to yourself, and even ignored what others said about you. You treated everyone with respect and everyone who met you cannot help liking you too. Every hospital you went to, you instantly become everyone’s favorite patient. Doctors, nurses, and staff fall in love with you because of your compliance, politeness, and calm character.

I hope that you’re not mad at any of us for putting you in the hospital, but the only reason your daughters put you there was because they wanted to get better and live longer. From being a mother who had raised 7 children and 6 grandchildren, you were being treated like a child. I know that you felt like a prisoner there, being strapped down, not being able to enjoy foods, having to go to the bathroom through a tube, being immobile. I know you felt embarrassed and uncomfortable at first when staff or relatives came to wash you. I know how much you hated it there. I know how bored you felt. I know how much it hurt sometimes whenever I heard you cough when they inserted or removed the tube from your throat so you could talk. I know how tired you were and you couldn’t even smile or couldn’t even open your eyelids. It hurt me to see you like that and my eyes always tear up seeing you like that when I visited you. I’ll never forget the last words you uttered, “I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired,” before we asked the nurse to put the tube back into your throat. I’ll never forget the last things you said to me directly when I held your hand the first time you saw me since I came back from China.

I miss you so much and I will never forget you.

珍珠